Anniversary From Hell

I think that my relationship is in trouble and I can’t decide if I should do something about it or not. The worst possible way that my three-year anniversary could go is how it went. We’ve already tried to break up twice and even though our vacation to San Jose went well last month, I just don’t know where we are anymore. Do I care? Should I just end things and be done with it or should I keep fighting? I’m so all over the board with this that I just can’t see straight.
We were suppose to be celebrating three years together and after what a roller coaster it’s been this year I felt like we really had something to celebrate. Then he told me that he was going to volunteer for a private beer tasting event at his work instead of spending the evening with me. I tried not to be girly about it and make all kinds of ridiculous demands, but I was really hurt. Really, really hurt.
So to keep my mind off the fact that he was going to be getting drunk with his co-workers and the general public instead of doing something with me I started making outrageous plans to go get drunk myself with an ex-boyfriend who is bartender. Truth be told I text messaged several people to see if I could get out of the house, the ex-boyfriend bartender just happened to be the first one to make solid plans with me. N was doing a movie night with some old college friends of mine but I knew some of them weren’t talking to me and one was the ex of J, it just didn’t sound like a good time. It was Lena that talked me out of going to see Mondavi in the end. Hanging out with an ex and getting drunk didn’t do anything for being the better person in the whole situation. It would more likely make more trouble for me in the long run. She is always the voice of reason for me and I love her for that, even when I don’t want to hear it.
So I met up with her and we of course headed down to ToST. The band that night was billed as Dub, of which I’m a big fan. Lena wasn’t sure she was into Dub so I figured it would be a good listening experience for both of us. Rather than deal with traffic and parking that Fremont is known to have a lack of on a Saturday night, we decided to make the trek down the hill and laughed at each other for being winded as we walked.
Explaining that she wanted to talk to me about something I was a little worried as to what the conversation would be about. I was silly to be worried. The girl wants to start a record label and she wants me to be apart of it. What a great idea! The whole evening we poured over the flow charts and idea brainstorms she had with her and tried to really talk about where to start and how to go about starting a record label. Even on the walk back up the hill we were still chatting about bands and music and what we loved about being singers. These were conversations I’ve never been able to have with anyone.
Through out the night, RC had called me once and text messaged me a couple times. His voice mail message was almost unintelligible with his slurred speech. The kid was drunker than I’d ever heard him. At that I started to get worried. Yet I didn’t want to feel like I needed to save him, he was an adult damn it and he chose to spend his evening without me anyway.
It was around two in the morning that I headed home from Lena’s because I hadn’t heard from my boy. He wasn’t answering his phone or returning my calls. The event had ended at ten and even with sobering up or helping to clean up he should have been home by midnight at the latest. My worry went into overdrive and I got down right scared. Now I’m famous for worrying about people. I can think of the worst possible thing ever and make it the only possibility in my mind. But no matter how I did the math it just didn’t seem right at all. He always had his phone on him.
When I got to his place and his vehicle wasn’t there I freaked right out. There was no other possible place for him to be. I even walked through his apartment hoping that he had gotten a ride home instead and had passed out in bed, no one home. As I sat crying in my car I really wondered what the hell I should do. He still wasn’t answering his phone but at least it was ringing. The phone itself hadn’t been crushed in a death dealing car accident, but what of my guy? Was he dead? In jail for a DUI? Was he thrown from his car and was currently dying alone in a ditch somewhere? I knew could drive down to his work, but what if I missed him on his way home or what if his truck wasn’t even there. What then? How would I find him? Would his parents call me when they got notification that he was either hurt or dead? Why the hell had he gotten so drunk when he knew he had to drive!!!
Right as I was about to head down to his work I get a text message from him saying that he’s almost home. Talking to him was impossible when he did call because of how intoxicated he was. I went from scared to angry in about two nanoseconds. When his drunk ass pulled carefully into his spot in front of his apartment I wanted to fly out of my car and kill him myself. I had never been so sure in my life that someone I loved was dead.
Then he tells me that he had gone with his co-workers to another bar close to work and KEPT drinking. He had left his phone in his coat and hadn’t gone back to it all night. I was basically speechless and so angry I didn’t know what to say. But it was pointless anyway, since he was so intoxicated he couldn’t make any sense and I doubted he’d remember anything I tried to say to him as it was. What a ridiculous way to treat yourself!
I have to stop and remember that he’s only 22 about to turn 23 and that’s a difficult time for people. He is still trying to find his way when it comes to alcohol and friends. I honestly didn’t remember much of 23 my self, but then with what I had going on I didn’t want to feel anything or remember it anyway. Did that make it easier for my friends and family, no it didn’t. Was it the same with everyone?
I have always said that the life changing ages were 18, 21, 23, 25, and 30. People get caught up in something, be it society’s perceived expectations, their douche bag friends’ advice, or just the their own random ideas on what life is “suppose” to be like and they make changes at those ages. Those life changes tend to be mostly bad in my experience, but changes that make us who we are today.
AS and I have talked about it before, both of us the same age and dating younger men. We wonder what our guys will do in the next year. If we will lose them when they hit that magical “I need to be single and fuck everything that moves” age of 23-24 or if they will prove themselves to be more grown up than we expect. I am starting to have my doubts.
Most of me really believes what I have said both times I fought to keep us together when RC did the breaking up. I can see us getting married one day and I’ve even thought about having kids with him. I even love his family. But we’ve got issues that need resolving. I have things about my personality that need to change, yet so does he! But we’ve never talked about that part of it and can’t since he’s the one trying to throw in the towel.
I feel so wrung out and upset about the whole thing I just don’t know what to do. Over all it just seems like an incredible slap in the face that he never cared to let me know where he was or even try to spend any time with me that night. We’ve got problems all right. But what do I want to do about them?