It's Too Close For Comfort

This is a new song by Rihanna and where she has been sort of a guilty pleasure for me that trends toward the Hip Hop remix side of Dance; I enjoy cranking up her tunes in my car. It’s funny that I sought out this song because it was speaking to me as with other songs as of late. But now that I’m looking at the actual lyrics it doesn’t say anything I thought it did. I decided to post the song anyway.
As I know from writing my own lyrics for songs, I’m more of a “big picture” storyteller, while my friend Cale is more of an abstract emotional writer. Most Pop songs are snapshots of a single moment in time in order to get as many people as possible to feed their own experiences into the greater meaning and immediately relate as if the song was written just for them. I feel like this is a good example of a “snap shot” moment but I have no idea where she’s going with this (not that Rihanna wrote this or any of her songs, I’m sure). There is a movie that is called “Disturbia” based off Alfred Hitchcock’s “Rear window”. Neither have I seen so maybe that’s what I’m missing. Either way it’s a great song and an exercise in interpretation. What do you think it’s about?

Disturbia
By Rihanna

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
(What's wrong with me?)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
(Why do I feel like this?)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
(I'm going crazy now)
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

No more gas in the rear
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
I'm alive, I'm ahead
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Put on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in Disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight?
Your mind is in Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (x 4)

Faded pictures on the wall
It's like they talkin' to me
Disconnected unknown calls
The phone don't even ring I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
I feel like a monster

Put on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in Disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight?
Your mind is in Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (x 4)

Release me from this curse I'm in
Trying to remain tame
But I'm struggling
If you can go go go
I think I'm going, ah ah ah

Put on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must falter be wise
Your mind is in Disturbia
It's like the darkness is the light
Disturbia
Am I scaring you tonight?
Your mind is in Disturbia
Ain't used to what you like
Disturbia
Disturbia

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum (x 4)

Now You're Gone

This is just another song on the radio that seems to be louder lyrically that it had before. I’m starting to be okay with letting go. Letting go of life and not having to know from moment to moment what’s going on or where I’m going. I still need to find a damn job but that will come in time. I just need to focus on the “now” and live life without having every little thing planned out. It’s tough. Really tough. I’m not that kind of person so this is a whole new experiment. But Good Times are Good Times whether they’re had with a Boyfriend or a Friend or a Lover. I need to let go of titles, but never let go of expecting that I be treated like a worthwhile human. That goes beyond titles. That is non-negotiable.
This song by Basshunter is a good one to bump in the car, and every girl would wish that their man would be thinking this if they were having relationship issues.

Now You’re Gone
By: Basshunter Feat. DJ Mental Theo's Bazzheadz

Now you're gone
I realize my love for you was strong
I miss you here, now you're gone
I keep waiting here by the phone
With the pictures hanging on the wall

Now you're gone
I realize my love for you was strong
I miss you here, now you're gone
I keep waiting here by the phone
With the pictures hanging on the wall
Is this the way it's meant to be
Only dreaming that you're missing me
I'm waiting here at home
I go crazy, now you're gone
There's an empty place in my heart
Without my Anna it will break apart
It wont heal it never fades away
I will think about you everyday

[Ready for takeoff]

[Instrumental]

[Are you ready?]

Now your gone
I realize my love for you is strong
I miss you here now you're gone
I keep waiting here by the phone
With the pictures hanging on the wall
Is this the way its meant to be
Only dreaming that your missing me
I'm waiting here at home
I go crazy now you're gone

Now your gone
I realize my love for you was strong
And I miss you here now you're gone
I keep waiting here by the phone
With the pictures hanging on the wall
Is this the way its meant to be
Only dreaming that your missing me
I'm waiting here at home
I go crazy now you're gone
There's an empty place in my heart
Without my Anna it will break apart
It wont heal it never fades away
I will think about you everyday

What Do You Want From Me?

Several weeks have passed and I feel just as mixed up about my life as I did the moment I drove home knowing my relationship was over. I really don’t know where I stand with the guy. So many things about us have just fallen back into our old patterns, and some of our interactions are so completely foreign that I don’t know where I am or to whom I’m talking.
I knew there would be drama when I showed up at the band’s next show. I was hoping that the venue would be a big place that I could just disappear into the background in order to submit my support without feeling too exposed. No such luck. I was pleased that he got me put on the guest list. That was an added bonus since I knew I was being tossed back into the pool of people that needed to help fund the next tour.
I had dressed to impress that night. I didn’t want to feel frumpy or ugly but I still was having issues leaving the house in the skirt I had chosen. Apparently it was a hit because I had been standing inside the building about five minutes when a tall guy rolled right up and started talking to me. He couldn’t have had better timing. I was feeling completely distressed. He must have sensed my vulnerability and swam in like a shark. The guy was harmless but he chose to talk to me right at the moment AS had looked me up and down and had decided she didn’t like my outfit from the expression on her face. D had jumped up to talk to me moments earlier and I was in debt to her beautiful smile and genuine effort to make me feel welcome, but she had wandered off and right at the exact second I had realized I had nowhere to run and hide was when this guy moved in.
We talked for several minutes about nothing and I wasn’t sure what to think of the whole interchange. AS offered me a place to sit and the guy walked away. Now I was sitting in the lion’s den as it were with people who’s expressions clearly stated their mental questions. “What was she doing here?” they all wondered. I didn’t have an answer for them. I was asking myself the same question.
I’ve always felt alone at his shows until the one I attended with Lena. Some how her friendship released me from the constant pain of knowing I didn’t fit in with the other girlfriends. That’s a sort of melodramatic statement. What I mean to say is that I didn’t fit in with the girls the way I wanted to. They’ve always been perfectly pleasant to me; they just never wanted to be close. Now I really had nowhere to run. The place was so small that I really had nothing to keep my attention without looking pathetic. The tall guy from earlier kept wandering by and making flattering statements but I didn’t find him attractive in the least. This left me watching my ex strutting around chatting with people and just being the social butterfly that I wasn’t use to. He was obviously on the prowl and I felt like a completely stupid girl for even being in the building. Knowing that he’s free to do as he chose was different from watching him do it.
The show started out rough but by mid-set they totally rallied and came back like rock stars. It was so awesome to watch more and more people come in from the other room and join the rest of us dancing. Once again I felt the pangs of missing stage performance. I have let my own musical outlets fall by the wayside. I needed to get back on the ball for my own purposes.
The end of the night was the hardest. I could tell he was looking to find a girl and hook up after such an awesome performance. I couldn’t blame him; I just didn’t want to watch him do it. When he disappeared inside the bar to join everyone on the other side of the fence from where I had been standing I understood that he wanted me to go away. BA was doing his best to be polite to me, but had the same look I was getting familiar with. “Why was she here?” I knew it was time to take a hint and just go home. No sense being the oblivious girl I once was; the one that never noticed when other people wanted her to go away. My best friend in Jr. High played a very nasty prank on me, in order to make me understand that I was an annoying, clingy person that never got the hint when my presence was unwanted. Since then I’m next to phobic about it. Joy for stupid childhood scars.
Right as I started to walk away I was called in to join the group inside the fence. I could tell by his distant nature that he was only reading my mind and trying to help my distress. I appreciated his effort to calm my boiling emotional state. It was awful kind of him. I took my leave for the night after only sitting for a moment, knowing I didn’t belong there anymore.
The drive home was the longest one I can remember. I was alternating between falling asleep and being so caught in thought that I wasn’t really watching the road either way. Where do I need to go with my life? Should I cut all ties with the guy for my own sanity or am I just being silly about lingering emotional attachment that will fade in time? I just don’t know where to point my brain and heart right now.

What Do You Want From Me
By Pink Floyd

As you look around this room tonight
Settle in your seat and dim the lights
Do you want my blood, do you want my tears
What do you want
What do you want from me

Should I sing until I can't sing any more
Play these strings till my fingers are raw
You're so hard to please
What do you want from me

Do you think that I know something you don't know
What do you want from me
If I don't promise you the answers would you go
What do you want from me

Should I stand out in the rain
Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you
I'm not the one that you need
What do you want from me

You can have anything you want
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water
Anything you want
You can own everything you see
Sell your soul for complete control
Is that really what you need

You can lose yourself this night
See inside there is nothing to hide
Turn and face the light
What do you want from me

The Walmart of Vet Care

It was cowardly and yet necessary that I quit my new job after my first full day. After I was crying on the phone to my ex at lunch time I wasn’t really sure how the heck I was going to make it through the rest of what ended up being a damn ten hour shift. Granted, it’s been a long time since I’ve been new at something let alone trained to do something I have no prior background on, but I am NOT an idiot. I learn quickly when given the chance to learn something properly.
That was not what happened on my very long day Monday. The manager who I knew would drive me nuts at least a little, turned into a raving lunatic all the while treating me like I didn’t understand her completely contradictory and vague instructions. The staff could only shrug at me when I had questions, explaining that they too never knew what she was talking about half the time either.
I had offered the week before to get in a half day of training. She just had me stand around and glossed over things that I had hoped to get a head start on learning. I only put in a couple hours before leaving again without feeling like anything was accomplished. Then first thing Monday afternoon bam she expected me to do everything right the first time and immediately. She was short handed and I could understand that but I hadn’t done a single thing on the computer system. I had been given an extensive cheat sheet for the keystroke short cuts that got everyone around on the scheduling and cashiering system. Since starting my search for a veterinary job I had seen plenty of scheduling systems that made a whole lot more sense than the one presented to me.
I was never given all the details. Not once. Not even when the manager snidely demanded that I start answering the phones. What was I going to do? Put people on hold? That’s what I did. But I couldn’t even keep dealing with customers coming in the door along with the ringing phone. The company policy states that in three rings or thirty seconds, the phone must be answered or put back on hold. What a retarded circus that ended up being for the poor girl that was up there with me. She was doing a sight better job training me than the manager but she got a little overwhelmed with two phones, three phone lines, and customers coming in the door.
That’s how I came to be crying on the phone to my ex at lunchtime. I got a ten minute break that no one told me I have to ask for within a certain time only to come back work another ten and then take my previously scheduled hour long lunch. It was a beautiful sunny day and I spent it outside next to my car, but all I really wanted to do was throw down my borrowed scrub top and tell the manager to go to hell. I’d never been so pushed and condescended about my ability to deal with the public in front of a customer. She’d actually yelled at me to speak louder in front of a poor woman who just wanted to pay her bill and leave.
The rest of the day went the same. The manager took it upon herself to stand behind me and, instead of teaching me what all the different options and windows did, she merely barked the keys that I should be pressing and the choices I should be making in order to keep things moving. She’d even slapped my hand when I tried to use the mouse to explore the system myself. I’ve never been so frustrated to the point of tears on a job in my life. Customer after customer came up and even though several asked for the same thing I had no idea what I was doing. I simply pushed buttons as the manager told me to. We even closed down with customers still in the back. I tried to say something but everyone ignored me.
Listening to the manager and the head vet plotting against people that worked under either woman was just astounding. If they thought they had such idiots working for them, then why were they hired? The thing that completely sold me that I was quitting was talking with two of my co-workers. They had asked about my previous job and why I had chosen to take this one. When I mentioned the six-month raises both of them had laughed. The manager, they explained, always found a way to keep them from fulfilling the classes they had to completely in order to be eligible for the raises every six months. One of the women hadn’t been able to get a raise for the last two YEARS. After the day I’d had with the manager, I wasn’t surprised at all. Some how she had made herself seem like the victim of idiot staff when she was a completely incapable leader and trainer.
So it occurred to me this morning that this particular vet company was the Walmart of Vet Care. Lots of locations, paired up with an extremely cheap pet supply company and they had totally monopolized the industry. Their Wellness Plans make it just seem impossible to go anywhere else for Vet care. Just like Walmart they make it seem like there was no other way to go.
That just scares the shit out of me. It’s all an act, an environment of need and greed. They have this whole list of words that as staff we’re not allowed to say in order to make things happy, PC, and fluffy for the general public. Don’t get me wrong, I am a devoted pet owner and it’s been a bit of a family tradition that our pets are apart of our family. I like the idea of staff wanting to ask about my Ginger as a furry member of the family and not an “animal” that needs scary “injections”. But when it comes to talking about possible problems with your pet, MAN! Everything gets graphic and terrifying really quick. The company’s policy is that because pets have a shorter life span, they should be coming in for check ups more regularly than once a year. This makes sense but the extent of some of the tests they run and the medications that are forced on pet owners blew my mind. If my cat is an indoor cat, she honestly doesn’t need the multitude of preventive vaccines. Not so here, get them all or the cat will die a horrible death says this company.
As a part of my education and in order to get raises there is this long list of "instructional videos" that employees have to watch. These are same ones that we show to the pet owners while their waiting for the PetNurse to show up. While I'm sitting there watching video after video, I notice a pattern. They make every little thing sound utterly horrifying from the words they use and the pictures they show. Everything isn't fluffy anymore. Then they hit you with their over all message, "If you do all these thousands of dollars of preventative testing, medication, blood work, ect. then you won't have to worry about the Corona Virus that could make the lining of your dog’s intestines shed." Total and complete scare tactics to keep people coming in every six months or more!!
At one point Monday I had a situation involving heartworm medication (at $29.95) being thrown on the bill without the owners knowledge or consent. It was when my co-worker quietly told me that I just needed to tell the woman it was necessary, that I was first appalled. Not only is the Veterinary staff pushing this idea in a half assed manner, I was supposed to slip it past the customer when the Vet staff didn’t bother. I just can't work for a company like that.
I’ve spent all Monday night and yesterday wondering what to do. Was I over reacting? Was I being weak and letting myself out too easily? Was this my one chance to get the hell out of the museum? My ex really narrowed it down to the part that really matters beyond all else, "Would you take Ginger there?" I emphatically said no, without any hesitation. "Then why would you want to work there?" He's very right. Nothing more needed to be thought about or dealt with.
I still feel a total sense of failure about not getting out of the museum. I guess I'm still trying to rationalize my way around the whole thing. In some ways I’m affecting more than myself by not leaving. I’ve also had two very nice going away parties, which seem utterly ridiculous now. I know that there has to be a better vet environment out there and that I shouldn’t settle for something if I’m just going to be unhappier than I was at my current job, and getting paid a lot less to suffer through it as well. What’s the point in that?
Yay for Corporate America. I just don't want to be a part of the "largest vet care company in the world" or so their little video told me. I don’t want to be a part of a company that is going to treat staff and their customers like their mindless idiots, while selling themselves as "Treating your pet like family". BLAH!!