The Sounds of Silence

I’ve lost another opportunity because of a DJ. I don’t want to be someone’s girlfriend and in response I get silence. I get shunned in so public a fashion that I can only sit here and cry as I write this out. What a horrible night I’ve just had because someone else has decided to use the one method of childish response that I can’t and have never been able to deal with: silence.
After fighting and dickering over the semantics of the situation which ruined a vacation, I get silence. That vacation, which was offered by a friend for the soul purpose of getting me away from everything that is happening right now, was totally ruined by another person’s roller coaster drama. After refusing to tell me what was wrong for four days only to have Wednesday arrive, when we would have to deal with each other, I still got vague generalities. When at last I cried, “Tell me how I’m supposed to treat you, we have to work together tonight!” I got his explanation that was not to be contradicted and then silence.
“I’m still willing to work with you on this,” he said at the time but he didn’t mean it. I didn’t realize how much he didn’t mean it until I was faced with him tonight and he did anything he could to avoid me. There’s nothing quite like sitting in an empty bar and having someone you thought you were close to sit in the one spot that was as far away from you as he can get. It was like Junior High all over again when the girl I thought was my best friend was writing horrible notes, having a friend recopy the note so it wasn’t in her hand writing, and then had a third friend slip them into my locker; the deep down overwhelming feeling of being unwanted, unwelcome, and shunned for a reason that I cannot change.
So I sat in that corner watching him, watching me and doing his best to show that I didn’t exist anymore. It got worse as mutual friends began arriving and couldn’t understand why the two of us were suddenly revolving around each other like two magnets of the same polarity. The mutual friends weren’t so mutual. I was merely fun at the time. I stopped existing for more than one person tonight. It was so easy. He changed his mind and so did the rest. I did my best to act professional and discussed problems through out the night as they occurred, just as I would have any other time. I wasn’t the one with the problem.
Finally I ran for the dance floor and tried to loose myself in the talent I had personally requested be booked. Even he let me down. This man thought himself a bigger DJ than the situation was giving him and refused to play anything of worth while there wasn’t enough people in the room to marvel at his skills. I did my best to hide far enough back in the room so that no one could see me and I could stop witnessing the public display of distaste being conducted.
I wasn’t interested in the seeing what the rest of the night would bring. I did my best to put in the time to show that I was still involved whether someone else would rather I wasn’t. Putting on my coat I made sure to seek out and say good bye. This was a flagrant action to answer a charge made about my rude personality earlier this evening. The exchange was ridiculous and I’m not sure why the hell I put myself through it. At first he made sure to keep his back to me, turning as I moved and finished up his conversation as if I wasn’t there. When he ran for the door I called his name only to have him trot back without looking at me, give me a hug in such a way that he could be as far from me as possible and still call it a hug, and then run for the door again. I hadn’t asked for a hug! I had simply stated that I was leaving, that was all. But it was like the final shot, as if to show me and anyone else watching that touching me was physically painful.
I went to my car and started to cry. How could he treat me this way? After all I’ve done to help him, however he felt about me personally had nothing to do with my ability to help. Older than I, he had just acted like the most insensible scorned teenaged girl. I thought people were supposed to grow up as they grow older! Again and again I only run into examples of people who cannot be adults or be “adult” about a specific situation. But I’m the one to suffer. I was only involved because he wanted me there. I am now superfluous without his fragile good graces. If I had known he was the same as all the rest I never would have set my hopes to only be crushed yet again.
How do I show that I’m the bigger person but not let this man walk all over me? It’s impossible. The road he has chosen has left us both unable to go anywhere but down with more drama. I didn’t want this. I tried to avoid this, but I didn’t and I can only sit here in the silence of it all. My friend is gone. The truth in the silence is that there never was a friend.