Letting Go... Is Tough To Do

Why is letting go… so hard? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself for the last… well depending on the topic I could say week or several years. But the topic I have in mind currently, my struggle with letting it go has been happening since I first found out I my presence was no longer wanted. Only a couple of months have passed since I made the stubborn maneuver of holding on all the while asking myself the simple question of, “why?”
It’s really easy to rationalize your way around staying involved in something when really it’s better although harder to walk away. Walking away, in this particular situation felt like defeat to me. Walking away felt like I wasted my time getting involved in the first place and putting in so much effort. Walking away felt wrong.
I’ve come to realize something about myself. I can’t walk away from something until I’m mentally done with whatever it is. It doesn’t matter that everything else has gone wrong or that other people don’t like me or want me around anymore. It’s my tenacious need to finish something I started. It doesn’t matter that I’m hurting myself emotionally in the process, or other people. It doesn’t matter that I’m working so much harder by not walking away. None of it matters unless I see the light myself.
Whether this situation is a relationship or work, the story is the same. Once I’ve set my mind to something I work my ass off to see it through, to the best of my abilities. That has nothing to do with the worthiness of the person or project that my intensive effort is engaged in. In fact I find it easier to bury myself in terrible ideas merely because I have put so much effort into them. Why wasted effort is redeemed by more wasted effort I have yet to understand, but at least I know this sad little tidbit about myself. Knowing and understand these personal quirks help me from the self abuse I’m so famous for.
All of that aside, my singular act of letting go has me questioning everything else in my life that I know I should be letting go of but haven’t yet. That calls into question a lot of projects and people currently in my life. Will my recent act of self preservation lead to a string of bandwagons that I’m going to jump off of? I just don’t know. If it does am I learning something? If it doesn’t… are these self realizations a waste as well? If I do, am I giving up on people and projects that I shouldn’t just yet? If I don’t, am I giving up the chance to meet new people and get involved in new projects?
All of this is more than I can deal with at the moment. For now I’ve let go of one thing. I am extremely sad about the circumstances and mourning it’s loss, even though I know it’s silly and my absence won’t even be noticed. Maybe that’s what I fear most. Walking away into obscurity.