1-800 Call Someone Else

Fall has never been a good time of year for me. All my life it’s been the months of October through February that I find myself depressively reflecting on everything and unmotivated to the extreme of being unable to get up in the morning. Right on time, I’m getting later and later to work but this year something else has layered on top to make it all worse.
Apparently similar fall depression is effecting just about every guy I’ve ever made a social acquaintance with. My late nights are currently being plagued by phone calls and text messages from desperately lonely and usually intoxicated males. Everything from a simply cry for the renewal of our friendship to the blatant demand for sex. Some are in current relationships and claim they are soon ending, with the hopes that I will come keep them company.
The caliber of people making these requests would have thrilled me five or six years ago. I would have over looked that fact that most of these guys kicked me to the curb for the lack of sex in the first place and would have decided, being the romantic that I am, that the man in question must have realized he couldn’t live without me. The sheer fact that a guy was thinking of me specifically for the easing of his sexual urges would have made my ridiculously low self esteem perk up and assuage my constant need for acceptance from everyone and anyone. The problem is… I’m not that person anymore.
I may be completely insecure about my current romantic situation, but if nothing else he is the first man to make me feel normal in the sex department. Besides teaching me a lot about myself, he’s shown me that not wanting to have sex twenty-four/seven is not a malfunction on my part. Why would I want to go back to someone, if even briefly, who made me feel like a broken human being in the most personal of all subjects between two people.
A couple of the people suddenly blowing up my phone with their needs and wishes I’ve never even slept with. No matter who I talk to about this and equating in the fact that intoxication throws out any queries of rationality, I still can’t understand why you could call someone you’ve never had sex with and ask for a quick and demeaning romp. All that leaves me with is the painful question of, what kind of person do they think I am? How did I leave them with the impression that I would think this sort of behavior was okay?
All of this has sent me into hiding, practically afraid of my phone. All I do is reflect over my less that stellar past and wonder how I became the sort of person who would get these sorts of phone calls from men. What can I do about them? Like I wrote earlier this month I realize that these people who are calling and texting aren’t doing so because they’ve realized how awesome I was and regret the loss of me from their lives. It is because they remember how easy it was for them to treat me like shit and that I would take it. That is the impression I have left with these people and it is physically painful to me when I think about it.
For all my effort to be a good and loving person who has always forgiven and tried to help everyone she came across, this is what I get in return. Base male sexual grunting without any sort of concern for me at all. To top it off, when I tried to crawl into the one set of arms that could comfort me right now, I was held in a way that said I wasn’t really there or being merely tolerated. It broke my heart.
I feel so low right now that I’m not sure how I’m even managing the day to day stuff. Some how my phone number has been written on the bathroom wall of the past, “for a good time call.” Halloween is usually my favorite time of year and I couldn’t even fathom getting dressed in the costume I had decided on almost a year ago. Last night was my good friend’s birthday and I couldn’t even imagine going out hang with her and her friends. Last year they were all so amazingly good looking that the idea of going up against that last night in a costume that was the same theme as several other people were planning to wear was more than I could deal with emotionally. I watched an old scary movie with my best friend and went home.
Tonight I can’t even get motivated to leave the house and do my usual movie night. I feel like a wounded animal that would rather crawl in a hole and lick her wounds, but I can’t even do that. These wounds are emotional and I can't do anything to deal with the pain. It’s in my dreams and in my waking hours. Every relationship I have is called into question and when I wish I had a female friend to talk to, everyone I know is not one that would understand why this hurts me so.
I feel pain that these guys rejected me originally. I feel pain that I wasn’t the one for them. I feel pain that there still isn’t someone who currently wants to shout from the rooftops how awesome I am. I feel pain that all these people think of me as some easy way out of whatever pain they’re feeling. I feel pain because no one is thinking of how any of these requests or conversations make me feel. I feel pain because one really cares what’s going on with me, when I’m obviously acting different no matter how much I’ve tried to hide my distress. I feel pain because I don’t know what to do about any of this. I feel pain because I can’t hide in the affection of the “someone” that I feel affection for.

I feel pain.