Every Way I Lose

The most I can really say is that I have been going out and technically living the high life. I can’t say more than that. It hasn’t been fun on the whole and it hasn’t even been surrounded by friends. Two weeks ago was the longest night ever of me being completely caught up in my own retarded need for validation by attention from one specific person. In the end I was ferrying drunk boys safely back to their home out of the goodness of my heart only to know they would forget their well meaning words of gratitude the minute they were uttered. I have allowed other people to make me feel unattractive and unwanted which is completely against my reasons for wanting to go out dancing.
More and more I find myself relying on that need for someone I know to be in the room in order for me to have a good time. I hate that I want to be as care free as I use to be when I was younger but things are changing. I don’t like being in a room full of strangers any more. I want people to talk to and share the experience with. But with the people I am leaning on now I don’t even get that.
I officially have a music profile on MySpace now. It debuted on the 28th and I was so pleased that Cale designed it. Writing lyrics and making music thus far has been just incredible and I can't want to see what happens next. My songs will be posted. MY music will be up there for the world to see! I’m so incredibly excited. Maybe this will be the next stage of my life; instead of dancing to the music I will be creating it. Maybe my so-called friends will come in handy yet. Will I create something good enough for the dance floor? I’m willing to try.
I saw a new club was opening up the other night. It was called Heaven’s and I figure that was the spot that DJ F was talking about when he first asked me to be apart of the marketing team. What a demeaning waste of time that whole experience was and yet it still angers me because I think I would do a damn good job in a position like that. He just doesn’t know what he’s missing. It’s sad to think that the Underworld had corrupted him so much that he could only do business in such a manner.
While noticing that I wouldn’t be involved in that club’s successes I saw a little too late that I wasn’t getting into LSC either. Benny Benassi was spinning and a hugely famous person at that. Why I had assumed that I could hang out with under aged friends until eleven at night and still get in the door to see the man suddenly seemed all the more ridiculous. It wasn’t going to happen. I had paid parking like a tunnel versioned rat and was stuck now. Calling Steve and Scott repeatedly only got me the awesome news of them being securely inside thanks to Hyperfunk sweeping them past the crowds. I was so angry that I had wasted ten bucks to park in a place I wasn’t staying. In retrospect I should have sold my damn ticket to someone else, people were hovering for spots in that parking lot like vultures.
So now here I sit looking back at past outings that I had said was fun and realize only that it wasn’t. This life style is a money drain and using up time I could be spending with people that might actually care about me in the light of day.