What Do You Want From Me?

Several weeks have passed and I feel just as mixed up about my life as I did the moment I drove home knowing my relationship was over. I really don’t know where I stand with the guy. So many things about us have just fallen back into our old patterns, and some of our interactions are so completely foreign that I don’t know where I am or to whom I’m talking.
I knew there would be drama when I showed up at the band’s next show. I was hoping that the venue would be a big place that I could just disappear into the background in order to submit my support without feeling too exposed. No such luck. I was pleased that he got me put on the guest list. That was an added bonus since I knew I was being tossed back into the pool of people that needed to help fund the next tour.
I had dressed to impress that night. I didn’t want to feel frumpy or ugly but I still was having issues leaving the house in the skirt I had chosen. Apparently it was a hit because I had been standing inside the building about five minutes when a tall guy rolled right up and started talking to me. He couldn’t have had better timing. I was feeling completely distressed. He must have sensed my vulnerability and swam in like a shark. The guy was harmless but he chose to talk to me right at the moment AS had looked me up and down and had decided she didn’t like my outfit from the expression on her face. D had jumped up to talk to me moments earlier and I was in debt to her beautiful smile and genuine effort to make me feel welcome, but she had wandered off and right at the exact second I had realized I had nowhere to run and hide was when this guy moved in.
We talked for several minutes about nothing and I wasn’t sure what to think of the whole interchange. AS offered me a place to sit and the guy walked away. Now I was sitting in the lion’s den as it were with people who’s expressions clearly stated their mental questions. “What was she doing here?” they all wondered. I didn’t have an answer for them. I was asking myself the same question.
I’ve always felt alone at his shows until the one I attended with Lena. Some how her friendship released me from the constant pain of knowing I didn’t fit in with the other girlfriends. That’s a sort of melodramatic statement. What I mean to say is that I didn’t fit in with the girls the way I wanted to. They’ve always been perfectly pleasant to me; they just never wanted to be close. Now I really had nowhere to run. The place was so small that I really had nothing to keep my attention without looking pathetic. The tall guy from earlier kept wandering by and making flattering statements but I didn’t find him attractive in the least. This left me watching my ex strutting around chatting with people and just being the social butterfly that I wasn’t use to. He was obviously on the prowl and I felt like a completely stupid girl for even being in the building. Knowing that he’s free to do as he chose was different from watching him do it.
The show started out rough but by mid-set they totally rallied and came back like rock stars. It was so awesome to watch more and more people come in from the other room and join the rest of us dancing. Once again I felt the pangs of missing stage performance. I have let my own musical outlets fall by the wayside. I needed to get back on the ball for my own purposes.
The end of the night was the hardest. I could tell he was looking to find a girl and hook up after such an awesome performance. I couldn’t blame him; I just didn’t want to watch him do it. When he disappeared inside the bar to join everyone on the other side of the fence from where I had been standing I understood that he wanted me to go away. BA was doing his best to be polite to me, but had the same look I was getting familiar with. “Why was she here?” I knew it was time to take a hint and just go home. No sense being the oblivious girl I once was; the one that never noticed when other people wanted her to go away. My best friend in Jr. High played a very nasty prank on me, in order to make me understand that I was an annoying, clingy person that never got the hint when my presence was unwanted. Since then I’m next to phobic about it. Joy for stupid childhood scars.
Right as I started to walk away I was called in to join the group inside the fence. I could tell by his distant nature that he was only reading my mind and trying to help my distress. I appreciated his effort to calm my boiling emotional state. It was awful kind of him. I took my leave for the night after only sitting for a moment, knowing I didn’t belong there anymore.
The drive home was the longest one I can remember. I was alternating between falling asleep and being so caught in thought that I wasn’t really watching the road either way. Where do I need to go with my life? Should I cut all ties with the guy for my own sanity or am I just being silly about lingering emotional attachment that will fade in time? I just don’t know where to point my brain and heart right now.

What Do You Want From Me
By Pink Floyd

As you look around this room tonight
Settle in your seat and dim the lights
Do you want my blood, do you want my tears
What do you want
What do you want from me

Should I sing until I can't sing any more
Play these strings till my fingers are raw
You're so hard to please
What do you want from me

Do you think that I know something you don't know
What do you want from me
If I don't promise you the answers would you go
What do you want from me

Should I stand out in the rain
Do you want me to make a daisy chain for you
I'm not the one that you need
What do you want from me

You can have anything you want
You can drift, you can dream, even walk on water
Anything you want
You can own everything you see
Sell your soul for complete control
Is that really what you need

You can lose yourself this night
See inside there is nothing to hide
Turn and face the light
What do you want from me