It's Just Too Easy

I have turned back into that terrible person I was when I had been seeing, or should I say, not seeing Chris. It’s taking an obvious toll on my friendships and yet I feel like I need to keep talking about my fears. In fact I’m not really sure how Nicole has been putting up with me. This is the first time I haven’t had my friend Janai’s shoulder to cry on when it came to a romantic issue. It’s understandable that I couldn’t run to her on this, both as a matter of my own personal pride and sensitivity to her own feelings. Insecurities are not cured by talking about them so it’s almost retarded the way that I am either completely tight lipped about something or I just blather on and on about my issues. Neither is very healthy for me or anyone else in listening range.
The bottom line to all my issues was only going to be resolved by talking to the guy, but for some reason that seemed like the wrong thing to do. I always put the blame on myself and figure it’s something that I’m doing wrong. I must be unlikable, or if I just keep my mouth shut the problem will go away. There’s also that terrible situation I’ve experienced where everything is fine with a guy until you bring up something specific in conversation. Once an issue is on the table, then they run from it. I’ve been avoiding to talking to my romantic interest, mostly for this fear. Fear that if I brought up something specific I’d be very upset with the answers I got, if I got any.
I was a total freakin’ retard. I completely underestimated the guy by grandiose proportions. Even when I got desperately demanding of him to make time for us to “talk”, he was completely understanding. Time was the issue at hand as well. After I had said I would never ask for more than he was already giving, here I was demanding time. But in the last couple days I got completely overwhelmed, mostly by bullshit. My ex-husband and my current ex-boyfriend and everyone else in between had come at me with some discussion of my faults. The terrible statements of my unacceptability that my best friend had made the night I had told her that I was seeing her long time ex were still floating around in my head as well. This all exploded after the guy I’m currently seeing started a discussion with, “You know I don’t have any more time to give this, right?” At the time I was completely exhausted, a little drunk and had been waiting for some sort of statement on where he and I were at relationship wise. That was not what I wanted to hear nor at a moment when I could make something useful out of a conversation with him.
It all rolled around and festered until I exploded and started begging him to make time for us to talk. Right up to the last moment, I doubted that he would make himself really available. Looking back now I really wonder what sorts of retards I’ve dated in the past that I had no faith in the whole situation. My current ex always wanted to talk and I was the one avoiding it at all costs, maybe I skeptical because I could see both sides.
I’m never good at just charging in with something extremely emotional and getting it over with. I want to sit and have the small talk first, feel out the mood of the other person and go from there. I also finished buying the rest of the things I had promised to give him for Christmas just in case the talk didn’t go well and we didn’t see each other again. I didn’t want things left hanging.
I wonder if he works the same way I do, or he just knew that it would be tough for me? Either way he was prepared with a DVD of these old home movies he and his friends use to make, many of which I was involved in or knew the people involved. I walked into his living room prepared for battle and ended up sitting on the couch next to him for the next hour laughing my ass off and remembering the past. It was so damn nice. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to break the ice.
When he finally shut the TV off and gave me a look as if to ask if I was ready yet, he did something that was a little unnerving. He just listened. He let me spill EVERYTHING I had to say before he responded. It wasn’t quite the conversation I wanted to have but I got to say everything I wanted to say. From there we talked about everything I brought up and a couple things that I hadn’t had the balls to bring up. I felt so much better afterward that I still feel incredibly stupid for not doing this sooner. All I needed to do was talk to the guy!
On the other hand I haven’t met a guy that was as understanding of the situation and as level headed about things as he is. Even as I have gotten better at trying to direct conversations in healthy ways, really saying what I need to say, and asking the questions that I need answers to somehow it always ends up “all talk and no action” or just an awkward situation no matter what. This was totally different and completely wonderful that there might be someone out there that really has his shit together emotionally. He really is someone incredibly special.